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The Nun
A cabbie picks up a
Nun. She gets into
the cab, and notices
that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't
stop staring at her.
She asks him why he
is staring. He replies: 'I have
a question to ask
you but I don't want
to offend you.' She answers, 'My
son, you cannot
offend me. When
you're as old as I
am and have been a nun
as long as I have,
you get a chance to
see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure
that there's nothing
you could say or ask that I
would find
offensive.' 'Well, I've always
had a fantasy to
have a nun kiss me.' She responds,
'Well, let's see
what we can do about
that: #1, you have to
be single and #2,
you must be
Catholic.' The cab driver is
very excited and
says, 'Yes, I'm
single and
Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says.
'Pull into the next
alley.' The nun fulfills
his fantasy, with a
kiss that would make
a hooker blush But when they get
back on the road,
the cab driver
starts crying 'My dear child,'
says the nun, 'why
are you crying?'
'Forgive
me but I've sinned.
I lied and I must
confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish.' The nun says,
'That's OK. My name
is Kevin and I'm
going to a Halloween
party.'
<<Return to Top>>
The Make Over
A middle aged woman had a
heart attack and was
taken to the
hospital.
While on the
operating table, she
had a near death
experience Seeing
God, she asked, 'Is
my time up?' God
said, 'No, you have
another 43 years,
2 months and 8 days
to live. Upon
recovery, the woman
decided to stay in
the hospital and
have a face-lift,
brow lift, lip
enhancement, boob
job, liposuction,
and a tummy tuck.
After her last
operation, she was
released from the
hospital.
While crossing the
street on her way
home, she was hit
and killed by a car.
Arriving in front of
God, she demanded,
'I thought you said
I had another 40
years? Why didn't
you pull me out of
the path of the
car?'
God replied, 'Giiirrrlllllllll,
I didn't even
recognize you.'
<<Return to Top>>
Southerners can be
so polite!
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land
eastbound on runway
9R
Saudi Air: "Thank
you Atlanta ATC.
Acknowledge cleared
to land on infidel's
runway 9R - Allah be
Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower
to Iran Air 711
--You are cleared to
land westbound on
runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC.
We are cleared to
land on infidel's
runway 9R - Allah is
Great."
Brief pause...
Saudi Air: " ATLANTA
ATC! - ATLANTA ATC!"
Atlanta ATC: "Go
ahead Saudi Air
511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE
CLEARED BOTH OUR
AIRCRAFTS FOR THE
SAME RUnwAY GOING IN
OPPOSITE
DIRECTIONS. WE ARE
ON A COLLISION
COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS
, PLEASE."
Atlanta ATC: "Well
bless your hearts.
And praise Jesus.
Y'all be careful now
and tell Allah "hey"
for us --
<<Return to Top>>
Political
Correctness
>Kentuckians,
Tennesseans,North
Georgians,North
Carolinians and
>West Virginians
will no longer be
referred to as
"HILLBILLIES."
>
>You must now refer
to us as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
>And furthermore
....
>
>HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT
WOMEN AND BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
>1. She is not a
"BABE" or a "CHICK"
- She is a "BREASTED
AMERICAN."
>
>2. She is not a
"SCREAMER" or a
"MOANER" - She is
"VOCALLY
>APPRECIATIVE."
>
>3. She is not
"EASY" - She is
"HORIZONTALLY
ACCESSIBLE."
>
>4. She is not a
"DUMB BLONDE" - She
is a "LIGHT-HAIRED
DETOUR OFF THE
>INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY."
>
>5. She has not
"BEEN AROUND" - She
is a
"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION."
>
>6. She is not an
"AIRHEAD" - She is
"REALITY IMPAIRED."
>
>7. She does not get
"DRUNK" or "TIPSY" -
She gets "CHEMICALLY
>INCONVENIENCED"
>
>8. She does not
have "BREAST
IMPLANTS" - She is
"MEDICALLY
ENHANCED."
>
>9. She does not
"NAG" you - She
becomes "VERBALLY
REPETITIVE."
>
>10. She is not a
"TRAMP" - She is
"SEXUALLY
EXTROVERTED."
>
>11 She does not
have "MAJOR LEAGUE
HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY
>SUPERIOR"
>
>12 She is not a
"TWO-BIT HOOKER" -
She is a "LOW COST
PROVIDER."
>
>
>HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT
MEN AND BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
>1. He does not have
a "BEER GUT" - He
has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN
>STORAGE FACILITY."
>
>2. He is not a "BAD
DANCER" - He is
"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
>
>3. He does not "GET
LOST ALL THE TI ME"
- He "INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE
>DESTINATIONS.
>4. He is not
"BALDING" - He is in
"FOLLICLE
REGRESSION."
>
>5. He is not a
"CRADLE ROBBER" - He
prefers
"GENERATIONAL
DIFFERENTIAL
>RELATIONSHIPS."
>
>6. He does not get
"FALLING-DOWN DRUNK"
- He becomes
"ACCIDENTALLY
>HORIZONTAL."
>
>7. He does not act
like a "TOTAL ASS" -
He develops a case
of
>"RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION."
>
>8 He is not a "MALE
CHAUVINIST PIG" - He
has "SWINE EMPATHY."
>
>9. He is not afraid
of "COMMITMENT" - He
is "RELATIONSHIP
CHALLENGED."
>
>10. He is not
"HORNY" - He is
"SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
>
>11. It's not his
"CRACK" you see
hanging out of his
pants - It's "REAR
>CLEAVAGE ".
<<Return to Top>>
BAD FISHING JOKE
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began
his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a
7-pounder on the second.
On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass
over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in
a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the
ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was
and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he
realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best
day ever on the water.
He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading
to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the
morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he 'd never
seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.
He was jubilant .
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to
the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and
finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud
of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours
enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead
and finished, because it will be more than likely the last
fishing trip you ever take!'
'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock
care. And you'll be her care giver forever!'
The man was feeling so guilty
he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just messing with
you. She's dead. What'd you catch?'
<<Return to Top>>
CASE OF THE PREGNANT
LADY
ACTUAL
AUSTRALIAN COURT
DOCKET 12659 - CASE
OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8
months pregnant got
on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was
smiling at her.
She immediately
moved to another
seat.
This time the smile
turned into a grin,
so she moved again.
The man seemed more
amused.
When on the fourth
move, she had the
man arrested.
When the case came
up in court, the
judge asked the man
(about 20
years old) what he
had to say for
himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it
was like this:
When the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't
help but notice her
condition.
She sat under a
sweets sign that
said, 'The Double
Mint Twins
are coming' and I
grinned.
Then she moved and
sat under a sign
that said,
Logan's Liniment
will reduce the
swelling', and I had
to smile.
Then she placed
herself under a
deodorant sign that
said,
William's Big Stick
Did the Trick,' and
I could hardly
contain myself.
But, your Honor,
when she moved the
fourth time and sat
under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear
Rubber could have
prevented this
accident'...
I just lost it.'
THE CASE WAS
DISMISSED!!!!
<<Return to Top>>
Two Poems
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns
a
pub and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and
I don't give a shit.
<<Return to Top>>
YOUR WIFE JUST FELL OUT
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several
miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I
thought I had gone deaf!"
<<Return to Top>>
OBAMA IN TEXAS
Barack Obama, the Presidential Democratic Party candidate,
is for
banning all guns in America. He is considered by those who
have dealt
with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas,
he asked the
audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started
to slowly
clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience
in total
silence.
Then he said into the microphone, "Children, every time I
clap my hands
together, a child in America dies from gun violence."
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl,
pierced the
quiet and said: "'Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!"
<<Return to Top>>
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