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This ain't church but it’s not the shower room at the Truck
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January 2008 Jokes: The English Student | Thermometer | The Affair | No luck | The Seven Dwarfs | Power-Tools for Real Men (Nailgun) | Your Never to Old | Will He Jump | Pretend Husband and wife | Grand Pa and Grand Ma |
The English Student
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An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
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Subject: Thermometer
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a
check, she pulls a rectal
thermometer out of her purse and tries to write
with it. She looks at the
flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat
says,
"Well, that's great..........that's really
great........... Some asshole's got my pen."
The Affair,Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
There’s a man sitting at a bar just
looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an
hour. Then, a big trouble-making Nascar truck driver
steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and
just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says,
“Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you
another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man
crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my
life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my
office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I
leave the building to my car, I found out it was
stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a
cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I
left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab
driver just drives away. I go home and when I get
there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I
leave home and come to this bar. And when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show
up and drink my poison
One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work
in the mine.
> Snow White stayed
> home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine with the
lunch,
> she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and
> fearing the worst.
> Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the
> dwarfs had survived.
>
> "Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me?
> Hello" For quite a while
> there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello.
> Is anyone down there?" Just as she was about to give up all hope,
> there came a faint voice from deep in the mine. The voice said,
"Vote
> for Hillary. Vote for Hillary." Snow White, somewhat relieved
> screamed out, "Oh, thank God.
> Dopey is still alive."
Power Tools for Real Men (Video)
Your Never to Old
(Read all the way to the bottom)
An
elderly couple were having lunch in a tavern.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you
remember the first
time we
had sex together over fifty years ago? We went
behind this very tavern where you leaned against the
back fence and I made love to you"
Yes,
she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "How about
taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it
for old time's sake?" Oh Charlie, you old devil, that
sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer
sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and,having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against
a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no
trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple
walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back
of the tavern and make their way to the
fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his
trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man
moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most
furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes
on for about ten minutes while both are making
loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both
collapse,panting on the ground. The policeman is
amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old
age that he didn't know. After about half an hour
of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their
secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to
them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You
must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there
some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty
years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Will he jump?
Ralph, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde dude at the bar and stared up
at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a
large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Ralph and said, "Do you think he'll
jump?"
Ralph says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Ralph placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed his money on the bar, the guy on
the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his
death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed his $20 to
Ralph, saying, "Fair's fair.
Here's your money."
Ralph replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier
on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do
it again."
Ralph took the money
Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
Grand Pa and Grand Ma The son said" I don't think you should take one Dad they're very strong
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He
Asked about using one of the pills.
And very expensive".
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa,"I'd still like to try one, and before we
Leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma"