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This ain't church but it’s not the shower room at the Truck Stop neither.
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April 2010 Jokes:The Cat| Bubba| Lady's Yearly Exam| TGIF vs SHIT| Best of 2010 so far|
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and
said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is
yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived
on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy
pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy
pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they
all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same
offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from
cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some
little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All
the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided
to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God
gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you
been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is
WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so
fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are
delicious!'
Hey, we need a cute clean one
every once in awhile
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the
plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside
his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or
pleasure?'
She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston '
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have
learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality.'
'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are
there?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the southern Redneck.'
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all
of this with you. I don't even know your name.'
'Tonto,' the man said, ' Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
She starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The doctor put me on the scale. It turns
out my weight is 180.
The doctor asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot
4,' I say.
She checked and saw that I only measure 5'2'.
She then took my blood pressure and told me it is
very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream'. When I
came in here I was tall and
Slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. What a
bitch
A business
man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with
a bright,
"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'
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