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Midget & The Doctor

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time, The Midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem, The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look,

The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up on the examining table, and started to examine him, The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia, Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors, Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt, The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt, The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?", The midget replied, Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied,

"I CUT TWO INCHES OFF THE TOP OF YOUR COWBOY BOOTS."

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Washington, DC Airport

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that
her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to Explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."  Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her
response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and
Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and
never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four
times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't  find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal"

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

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Male Patient

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
"A r e  m y  t e s t  r e s u l t s ba c k?"

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Blonde and the Truck Driver

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed
his order. He said, "I Want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to
appear stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think This place is ... An auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean
three pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about
it for a moment and then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting
for the flat tires, Headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

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Pawn Shop and Cheating Wife..
Submitted by:  W. Rodriguez

This guy just found out his wife is cheating on him and goes into a Pawn
Shop to by a gun. He walks in and starts telling the attendant all the story.

The attendant who has a wide variety of guns stops him from buying one and
talks to him about forgiveness making the guy leave the store with no gun
and smiling again.

Well the owner of the store that listened to the whole conversation came out really pissed off and asked the attendant;  Why didn't you sell that guy a gun? I don't pay you to be a preacher.

The attendant answers: I'm sorry Sr. but I'm the one sleeping with his wife.

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