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This ain't church but it’s not the shower room at the Truck
Stop neither.
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September 2009 Jokes: The Man of The House | Moms in Group Therapy | Two Old Men | The Parrot | A Little Catholic Humor | Classified Adds | Moose Sex | Girls Night Out |
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
"You Can Be the
Man Of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are
going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my
back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and
hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral
director would be my first guess."
A psychiatrist was
conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,"
he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession with
money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is
alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy
by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no
idea what he's
talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and
go get dinner.
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A
FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS
TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN
INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY
GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO
UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE
WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS
LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE
WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK,
AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT
THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them
and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
All was fine until moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's an d put $50 in the poor box .'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that You
didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
These classifieds were really in the paper
FREE
YORKSHIRE TERRIER.. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker
Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES: Mother, AKC
German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall
fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG Looks
like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull
for sale.
NORDIC TRACK: $300 Hardly used, call
Chubby..
GEORGIA PEACHES: California
grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must
sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn
once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of
Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last
month. Wife knows freakin' everything.
Two guys are
drinking in a bar. One says: "Did you know that Moose have
sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw shit...," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW
The other night I was invited out for a night with the
'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I
promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too
easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway
started up and
cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos
totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I
told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new
cuckoo
clock..'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock
cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed
twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
