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Your Jokes

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This ain't church but it’s not the shower room at the Truck Stop neither.

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September 2008 Jokes: The What goes to Heaven First | Eves Side of the Story |           Bear Baptism| Blond Mortician| The Cat Tail | Monsters Under The Bed |

What Goes to Heaven First

Which part of your body goes to heaven first?

 

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?' 

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy? 

Suzy replied, 'because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said. 

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.' 

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on herface. 

Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet? 

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night and mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh! God, I'm coming!' 'If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

 

The Nun fainted....

 

 

Eves Side of the Story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. " So, how is everything going?" inquired God. 

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. 

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain." 

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two 
breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced". 

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only 
half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." 

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes  

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" 

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." 

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?" 

 Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib? 

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Bear Baptism|

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa . 
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk    
shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't                  really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
 
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt                             to convert it.
 
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
 
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has                       various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do                         with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation.'
 
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like,
I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he
became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising
Jesus '
 
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking
back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'
 
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Blond Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied . You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)

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The Cat Tail ( Submitted by Ron from NY)

Did you hear about the blonde who cut her cats tail off while mowing the lawn and took it to WALMART because she herd they were the largest re-tailer.

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Monsters Under the Bed

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO  I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM.

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.   'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'One hundred and fifty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, One hundred and fifty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! With an attitude he asked . . . and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! ! '


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.  GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

 

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