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Your Jokes

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Questions Kids Ask

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came
into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when
two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.

'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with
the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

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Explanation of Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

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An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable
to last very long before he would orgasm during sex.
A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new
lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him
that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the
act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as
if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm,
he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm,
he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?" He heard, "This is the police.
What the hell are you doing?" The man replied,
"I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well,
you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

Retirement Plan - submitted by Don - Rochester NY

     If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel
     stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

      With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original
$1000.

    With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

     If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines
     stock you would have $49.00 left.

      If you had purchased United Airlines, you would
     have nothing left.

    But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one
year ago, drank all the beer,
     then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have
$214.00.

      Based on the above, the best current investment advice
is to drink heavily and recycle.

Football FINALLY makes sense.........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the  quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Company's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

'Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!'