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November 2007 Jokes: The Glass Eye | To Be 6 Again | Mommy & "Uncle" Frank | A man walks into a bar and orders a drink... | Social Security Office Visit
The Glass Eye
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out
since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands
it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back
in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she
says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and after wards they go
to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she
shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After
paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the
trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know", he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, "she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Sitting on the bar is a large fishbowl filled with 10's,20's and 50 dollar bills. After the man orders his 2nd drink he asks "what's the jar of money for?" The bartender explains that the jar is the tough man jar. Anybody thinking they can pass the three tests can 1st put $50.00 in the jar than complete the three tests and all of the money is his. The man inquires about the three tests. 1st--- you have to knock our bouncer ( he sat on a barstool and looked to be about 6'8" tall and all muscle) off the bar stool. 2nd---you have to go into the side room where there is a ferocious pit bull and pull his bad tooth. 3rd---and final test is to go upstairs where they have an old woman of ill repute who hasn't had a bath in a month and 1/2 and make mad passionate love to her. The man shook his head, no way did he want any part of that. But---------three or four drinks later with alcohol giving him a ton of false courage, he decides to put $50.00 in the jar and give it a try.
He carefully walks around behind the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and as he turns around cold cocks him. "kablam!" The bouncer is out cold on the floor. The bartender leads the man to the room where the pit bull is and wishes him luck and pushes him thru the door. Ungodly noises come from the room. Growling, biting, and "KIYIII--KIYII" sounds from the dog like they had never heard before. The man finally exits the room, his clothes in tatters, blood smeared across his body, and the looks of a man who had been thru hell. "OK he now asks, where's this woman with the BAD TOOTH?"
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home I told the Woman that I was very sorry, but would have to
go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt" So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants...
You might have gotten Disability, too."