Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first

time we had sex together over fifty years  ago? We went behind the

village tavern where you leaned  against the back fence and I made love  to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'  

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we

can do it for old time's sake?' 

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation

and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to  himself, I've got to

see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an

eye on them  so there's no trouble. So he follows them. 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for

support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the

tavern and make their way to the fence. 

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As

she leans against the fence, the old man moves  in.. Then suddenly

they erupt into the most furious sex that  the policeman has ever seen.   

This goes on for about ten  minutes while both are making loud noises

and moaning  and screaming. Finally, they both  collapse, panting on

the  ground. 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something  about

life and old age that he didn't know. 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,  the old

couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes  back on. The

policeman, is still watching and thinks to  himself, this is truly

amazing, I've got to ask them  what their secret is. 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me,  but that was

something else. You must've had a fantastic  sex life together. How can

you still be doing  this fifty  years later?' 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty  years ago that

wasn't an electric fence.'

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Walmart Murder

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy

marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large

insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, & then

arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch

with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of

'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for

snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

 The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he

wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's

insurance money.

 Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the

man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

 Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept

the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

 A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local

Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department &

proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting

woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........the manager of the

produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to

leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle

the produce manager as well.

 However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by

the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,

who immediately called the police.

 Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the

store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole

sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless

husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,

the headline declared ...

 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for a $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

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The Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through  the door at home, his wife started on him about,  'What time of night to be getting home is this?  Where have you been ?  Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.  

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled  around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

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Poor old Irish Guy

Patton staggered home very late after another evening

with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking

his wife, Kathleen.             

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs

leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he

caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he

landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke

and made the landing especially painful.     

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his

pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were

cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and

began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.     

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

in the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.              

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'        

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'             

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door,

it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be

the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your

bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the

hall mirror.

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Texas Joke

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat

sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the

cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"       

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts,

working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing

hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on

tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."       

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about

women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I

shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I

even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me

think of women."       

The two sat sipping in silence.       

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the

old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"     

He replied, "Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out

I'm a lesbian."

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Wal-Mart Has Everything

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says

to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess

I'd better see a doctor.' 

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind

of money,' Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer down at

Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will

tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. 

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A

lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and

takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up

and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the

slot and waits. 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm

water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two

weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new

technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be

fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his

dog , urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm

sample for good measure. 

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the

results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction,

and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water

softener. (Aisle 9) 

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with

anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into

rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't

yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself,

your elbow will never get better! 

> 

>         Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

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Ralph The Chicken

MOMS IN GROUP THERAPY

TWO LITTLE FARM KIDS

These two little farms kids decide they are old enough to swear...The first boy asks what swear word his brother will say, he replies "I'm going to say GODDAMN"...he then asks what his brother will say. the second boys says "I think I'm going to say YOU BET YOUR ASS....the next morning they go to the kitchen for breakfast, and their mother asks the first boy what he would like for breakfast. he says.. "give me some goddamn corn flakes"...the mother, shocked, knocks him off of his chair and he lands somewhere across the kitchen floor...she then turns to the second boy and asks what he would like for breakfast...he replies.. "you can bet your ass its not corn flakes"

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