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The Married Couple

A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 40th wedding

anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being

loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but

an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but

my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember....fairies are female.

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at A nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the
Man Of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,

you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are
going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the East River .. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm Off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a Fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii , and he's screwing me."

Hello?
Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Bryan
After a brief pause,**

Daddy says,**
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Bryan.
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,Right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.

A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'**

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Bryan?

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

Then Daddy says, **'Swimming pool? ...........**

Is this 486-5731?'