Your Jokes
June 2007 Jokes:
- What Do You Think?
- Spaghetti
- Think Again
- NASCAR Samaritans
- Redneck Drivers
- Cake or Bed
- Major announcement from Apple Computer...
- Trucker's Wife
- A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof...
Frugal 'Til Death Do Us Part
As part of the "funeral package," an undertaker provided a seven word notice in the local paper that served as the obituary. A frugal woman from deep in the hills who was making the arrangements for her recently deceased husband was asked what she'd like to say in the paper. She pondered this for a time, then said, "John is dead."
The undertaker, after a short pause, reminded her that seven words had been paid for, so she could use them all.
The woman thought about this a bit more, then with a very serious expression said, "John is dead. Pickup truck for sale."
What Do You Think?
A man asks: "God, why did you make women so beautiful?" To which God replies: "so that you would find them attractive." "But God, why did you have to make them so dumb?" To which God replies: "so that they would find you attractive!"
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she
confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, he
paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to
secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the
child, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby
was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for
child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card
today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife
obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two
with meatballs, one without."
Think Again
Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie, are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."
NASCAR Samaritans
There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats. The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast. The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch.
When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and
goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it
back down and writes something down. He does the same with the
Elliot hat. Then he picks up the Gordon hat and puts it down
then picks it up again. He does this several times until the
Gordon fan says, "What are you? Some kind of pervert?"
The officer replies, "No, I just usually find an asshole under
one of these hats.
Redneck Drivers
The U.S. Government decided to take an survey to see what people
say right before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!''
In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''
Cake or Bed
A Husband is at home watching a
Football game when his wife interrupts,
Honey,
Could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.
He looks at her and says angrily,
Fix the lights now?
Does it look like I have
GE written on my forehead?
I don't think so.
Fine,
Then the wife asks,
Well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right
To which he replied,
Fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have Westinghouse
Written on my forehead?
I don't think so
Fine, she says
Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door?
They are about to break.
I'm not a carpenter and i don't
Want to fix steps.
He says, does it look like i have
Ace hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so.
I've had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!!
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a
Couple of hours....................................
He starts to feel guilty about how
He treated his wife, and decides
To go home
As he walks into the house he notices
That the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the
Hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices
The fridge door is fixed.
Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat
Outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me
What was wrong, and i told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and
All i had to do was either
Go to bed with him or bake a cake.
He said,
So what kind of cake did you bake?
She replied,
Hellooooo...
Do you see Betty Crocker written
On my forehead?
I don't think so!
<<Return to Top>>
Major announcement from Apple Computer...
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer
chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBoob will cost $499 or $599 depending on the cup size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are
always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not
listening to them.
Truckers Wife:
A trucker comes home to find his wife rubbin her boobs with
lemon, he asks what on earth are you doing?
She says I heard if you rub em with lemon, they get bigger. He
says well, then why don’t you use toilet paper? Toilet paper?
She asks. He says yeah, you’ve been wiping your butt with it all
these years, and look how big it’s gotten...
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be
over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What
are you going to do", the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this
ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and
knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the
gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles
and not let go. The gorilla will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the
van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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