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A KIND HEARTED LAWYER

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his

limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the                 poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."  

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"     "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."  The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it."You'll really love my place.   "The grass is almost a foot high"

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FUTURE POLITICIAN 

 An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male

buffalo with the other.   He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. 

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the

buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter

everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.

 He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the

other.  He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 

"Want coffee."

 The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that

about, anyway?" 

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

"Training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean

up, disappear for rest of day.

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TRAFFIC CAMERAS

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was

taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.  

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,

driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he

drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.  

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past

at a snail's pace.  

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for

driving without a seat belt!!!!!!!!!!!

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The Crushed Scrotum

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would

like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered. 

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord." 

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his

scrotum was completely crushed." 

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could

help him." 

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they

imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move

caused him terrible pain." 

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation." 

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum

and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." 

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they

imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. 

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say,

with time, his scrotum should recover completely." 

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. 

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. 

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the

word is 'sternum."

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The Teaching Assistant and The Pool Boy

Dear wife,

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you
are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching
assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed
letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,

You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy.
Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more
times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife

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Manure an Interesting Fact

Manure:  In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.  After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailor's.., to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.  You probably did not know the true history of this word.  Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term!!! Return to Top>>

Letter From a Farm Kid

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,
Darlene

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