Your Jokes
July 2007 Jokes:
-
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
- The Blonde and the Thermos
- Aging
- The Drunk
- Would You Remarry?
Beach News:
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude
beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many
of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes
back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the
lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean
but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have
larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean
to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his
mother, "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and
the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!"
THE RECIPE
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he
notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each
night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it
actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob
asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten
smaller! - I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with
butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed.
"Dammit, Jim, Crisco is shortening!!!"
You gotta follow the recipe!!!
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car ...
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a traffic light, while not really paying attention.
Anyway the guy who was driving got out..........
And he was a dwarf!!!!
He said "I'm not happy"..............................
and I said, "Well which one are you then?"
hahahahah only kidding
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
10. A below par performance is considered damn good.
9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
7. Foursomes are encouraged.
6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
5. Three times a day is possible.
4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
3. If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.
2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.?
And the number one reason why golf is better than sex
..
1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace
it.?
Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a REDNECK if...."
....your idea of gourmet dining is eating at the snack-bar at
K-Mart, while the auto-dept. is raising your truck another 8
inches.
....your idea of bodywork consists of using either duct-tape,
twine, or a bungee-cord.
....you have a house that's mobile, and seven trucks that
aren't.
....you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
....you believe dual air bags refer to your wife and
mother-in-law.
....you consider your license plate personalized because your
dad made it in prison.
....you have a rag for a gas cap.
....the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas it has in it.
....the gas pedal on your truck is shaped like a bare foot.
....you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
....you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so
clean.
....you've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
....you've painted a truck with house paint.
....you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your
head.
....your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight
Drive-in Theater.
....your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I
can take a bath."
....you refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as
"the day my ship came in."
....you mark the Auto Trader with a highlite pen.
....the taillight covers of your truck are made of red tape.
....your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
....on your first date, you had to ask your Dad to borrow the
keys to the tractor.
....your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him
around in.
....you've been to a funeral and there were more pickups than
cars.
....you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.
....taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
....your pickup has a two-tone paint job---primer red and primer
gray.
-- And Finally --
....that billboard that says "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds you to
pull up your jeans!
The Blonde and the Thermos
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks
the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps keeps
cold things cold."
The blonde says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos. Her
blonde boss sees her and asks, "What is that shiny object you
have?"
She said, "It's a thermos."
The boss then says, "What does it do?"
She replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
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Aging
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent
death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join
him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out Earl's
old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart since it was
so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the
vital organ and
become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her
doctor's office to
inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a
woman," the doctor
said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to
her left knee.
The Drunk
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange
juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1
lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the
conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched
as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,
"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know
that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
WOULD YOU REMARRY??
A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when
the wife
looks over at him and asks THE question.
WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married
again?"
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'
WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'
WIFE: ----- silence ------
HUSBAND: 'Shit.'