Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy

marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large

insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, & then

arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch

with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of

'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for

snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he

wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's

insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the

man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept

the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local

Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department &

proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting

woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........the manager of the

produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to

leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle

the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by

the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,

who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the

store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole

sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless

husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,the headline declared ...

(You're going to hate me for this ... )

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for a $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

Face Lift at 50

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday
 
 She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

 On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
 Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,
 but how old do you think I am?'
 
 'About 32,' is the reply.

 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
 
& gt; A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
 the very same question.
 
 The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
 
 The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
 
 Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
 on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some
 mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
 
 The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
 Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
 
 While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
 to her the same ques tion.
 
 He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
 young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
 
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
 
 He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
 very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
 gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs > them against each other.
 
 After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am
 I?'

 He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
 says, ' Madam, you are 50.'

 Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you
 tell?'
 
 The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
 
 'I promise I won't,' she says.
 
 
 
 'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

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