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February  2009 Jokes:  No Sex Since 1955 | Good ol Boys |Body Statistics |How the Male and Female Minds Work |Grandmas Boyfriend | A Texas Wife |    

No Sex Since 1955

 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a
gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. 
> 
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the  Sergeant
Major for conversation.
> 
> 
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a
very serious man.  Is  something bothering you?" 
>        
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by
nature."
>          
"The young lady looked at his awards and
decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a
lot of action  
>        
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
>         
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a
little. Relax and enjoy yourself." 
>        
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious
manner.
>              
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope
you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last
time you had sex?" 
>             
"1955, ma'am."
>              
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill
out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex
since 1955!  She took his hand and led him> 
to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for
breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 
> 
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since
1955.
>         
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in
his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130
now." 
 
 

Good ol Boys

Two good ol' boys in a Florida trailer park were sitting around
 talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the 1st guy says to 2nd, "If I
 was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was 
 Off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"


 The 2nd good ol' boy crooked his head sideways for a minute scratched his head and
 squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says,
 .........."Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."


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Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
 

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

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How the Male and Female Minds Work


  
 HER DIARY:

Tonight:  I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.  He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.  On the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.! '  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

 My life is a disaster.
 
 


HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

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GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' 

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' 
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. 

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' 

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' 

The minister fainted. 

Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are.

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A Texas Wife

                  
 
Three men married wives from different
states.
  
The first man married a woman from Michigan
. He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple
of days, but on the third day,
he came home to see a clean house and
dishes washed and put away. 
  
The second man married a woman from 
Missouri . He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and
the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next
day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.  
  
The third man married a girl from TEXAS .
He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed, and hot meals on the
table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but
by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out
of his left eye, and his arm was
healed enough that he could fix himself a
sandwich and load the dishwasher.

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