Your Jokes
- Pawn Shop and Cheating Wife..
- The Barber Shop
- Joe's Old Boat
- Sunday Morning Sex
- Life Does Have its Challenges
- The Recipe
- The Pastor's Ass
Pawn Shop and Cheating Wife..
Submitted by: W. Rodriguez
This guy just found out his wife is cheating on him and goes
into a Pawn
Shop to by a gun. He walks in and starts telling the attendant
all the story.
The attendant who has a wide variety of guns stops him from
buying one and
talks to him about forgiveness making the guy leave the store
with no gun
and smiling again.
Well the owner of the store that listened to the whole conversation came out really pissed off and asked the attendant; Why didn't you sell that guy a gun? I don't pay you to be a preacher.
The attendant answers: I'm sorry Sr. but I'm the one sleeping with his wife.
The Barber Shop
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long
before
I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of
customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and
asked "How long before I can get a hair cut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and
asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and
half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a
favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long
he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever
come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
Joe's Old Boat
They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a
boat and
the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good boat story!!
Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to
himself.
One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state
who
sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff
as he
could and was out of touch all that day and most of the
evening.
Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had
died
suddenly that day.
When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a
few
things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him
for
John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel
terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no!
Fact
is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing
from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled
like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a
badcrack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every
time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like
crazy. I
guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to
those
four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them
that
she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway.
The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she
split
right up the middle!"
The old woman fainted.
Sunday Morning Sex
Sunday morning Sex.... I will never hear church bells
ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly
grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her
grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and
comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied: 'He had a heart attack while we were making
love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother
that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be
asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny: 'Many
years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best
time to do it was when
the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right
rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in
on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued: 'He'd still be
alive today
if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
Life does have its challenges............
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He
became very
depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of
things that
took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got
on an
elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He
was standing
on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,
whistling and
kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man
didn't
have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry
for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man
with no
arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with
his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He
told him
how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his
arms and felt
ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked
him again
for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one
arm if that
guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking
up his
heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch."
The Recipe
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Fran, you're hung!" Mark exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Mark asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Mark agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Fran asks Mark how his situation was.
Mark replied, I did what you said, Fran, but I've actually gotten smaller! - I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Fran exclaimed.
"Dammit, Mark, Crisco is shortening!!!"
You gotta follow the recipe!!!
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The
pastor was
so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again,
and
it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to
get
rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following
headline
the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey,
so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD
AND
FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public
opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . Even shorten
your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot
happier
and live longer!
Have a nice day!