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A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE
AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE
WEIGHT MACHINES
THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF 'I'LL
GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE
SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT
READ 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE
GOING TO CHICAGO.'
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE
MACHINE PROBABLY
GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE
THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE
MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN
SHE WENT BACK TO
THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT
CAME A CARD THAT
READ 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE
GOING TO CHICAGO AND
YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I
HAVE NEVER PLAYED A
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT
BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN,
PUTTING HIS
FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT
THINKING, SHE OPENED
THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED
PLAYING BEAUTIFUL
MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED
OVER AT THE MACHINE,
THINKING 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS
AGAIN.'
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL,
AND ANOTHER CARD
CAME OUT. IT READ 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS,
YOU ARE GOING TO
CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE
KNOWS THE MACHINE
IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF 'I'VE NEVER
BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC
A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE
MACHINE SHE
SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF
FROM FALLING TO THE
FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT
THE MACHINE. SHE
SAID TO HERSELF 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT
TO TRY THIS
AGAIN.' SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER
NICKEL AND
ANOTHER CARD CAME.
IT READ 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE
FIDDLED AND
FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.'
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The Funniest Staff Meeting
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency
called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the
middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is
one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who
understood the benefits
of having fun, told the burnt out staff the
purpose of the meeting
was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra
advertising slogans.
The only rule was they
had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products that
captured the essence of Viagra. Slight
variations were
acceptable.
About 7 minutes later,
they turned in their suggestions and created a
Top 10 List. With all the
laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the
week went very well for
everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker
pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a
rock!
7. Viagra, When it
absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6 Viagra, Be all that
you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out
and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong
enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the
whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring
good things to life!
And the unanimous number
one slogan:
1. This is your peepee.
This is your peepee on drugs.
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The Drunk
That Lost Everything
A drunk walks out of a
bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth.
A cop on the beat sees
him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?'
'Yessh! Ssssomebody
ssstole my carrr', the man replies.
The cop asks, 'Where was
your car the last time you saw it?
'It wasss on the end of
thisshh key', the man replies.
About that time the cop
looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all
the world to see.
He asks the man, 'Sir
are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'
Momentarily confused,
the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out....
'Holy shit! My
girlfriend's gone, too!!
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Little Johnny Strikes Again
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as
his mother smoothed cold cream
on her face. 'Why do you do that,
mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself
beautiful,' said his mother, who
then began removing the cream with
a
tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny.
'Giving up?'
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BUTT MEASUREMENTS
A man and his wife were
working in their garden one day and the man
looks over at his wife and
say s: "Your butt is getting big, I mean really
big..
I bet your butt is bigger
than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to
get a measuring tape
and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and
measured his wife's
bottom.
"Yup, I was right; your butt
is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman, correctly,
ignores her husband.
Later that night in bed, the
husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances
towards his wife who completely brushes him
off. "Hey, what's wrong?" he
asks.
She answers: "Do you really
think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little
weenie?"
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